The singleton searching for her (or his) soulmate/perfect partner/decent-person-looking- to-commit-to-a-decent-relationship all have a ton of resources readily available. There are libraries of books, a plethora of fun (or strict) instructional programmes, plus a wealth of online articles to guide them in this most important of tasks.
But what about us who want to know how NOT to meet the man of our dreams. We all have reasons, diverse and perverse, for wanting such information freely available.
Perhaps, you are now weary (or wary) of a succession of dead-end relationships. You just need to be on your own to discover who you really are, and whether you can tolerate your real self but those darn attractive guys keep distracting you!
OR you, brave soul, wish to accelerate your self-growth by seeking to experience difficult and doomed relationships.
OR, like me, you learn better by being told what not to do to underline why it should be done this way and not that way.
Whatever your reason, you have nothing but my respect and compassion. So, I have taken this opportunity to begin revision of my book How Not To Meet The Man Of Your Dreams, and offer to you my hard won wisdom and newly penned words on this incredibly important issue.
Disclaimer: I am not a relationship coach or other professional. I am, like the speaker in the Wear Sunscreen song, drawing on my own observations, experiences and knowledge to begin conversation on a much ignored topic.
Now, by observing just three or four of these fun and easy to do steps, you too can be assured that you'll have no chance of meeting the man of your dreams.
First, lets all make sure that you and I are on the same page concerning terminology.
Definition: The Man of Your Dreams (TMOYD™)
Your soulmate, that guy you day-dream about, that guy in your sleeping dreams, that guy you sometimes see who you think could possibly, maybe, be The One.
Hot guys in soapies or that guy in the really cool new movie or the cute guy in that new band do not qualify as real TMOYDs (unless they are all within your social sphere).
You are, of course, free to disagree with me, but please, read further before doing so.
Now, if you’re ready, lets get straight down to business.
Refrain from dealing with any of your issues
All this easy to follow step requires you to do is not explore any of your issues. At all. Ever. By all means, explore life; explore friendships; wonder about things and try to save everything from the whales to some strange exotic plant, or the earth. Follow your heart on all of that. But DO NOT explore any of your personal issues. If you do not follow any other step, you absolutely must follow this one.
Exploring your personal issues is like shooting yourself in the foot when it comes to not meeting TMOYD. If you explore your issues, grow emotionally or any of that stuff, you can be sure TMOYD will eventually find you even it if you’re doing everything in your power not to! Trust me, I’ve seen this happen too many times. It once even happened to me. Fortunately, I recognised what was happening and took action (or rather non-action) at once!
If by some horrendous twist of fate you should find yourself already in the company of TMOYD then CEASE and DESIST exploration of your personal issues at once! There’s hope yet that you were mistaken about him and that he will disappear as quickly as he appeared.
Fall in love with the idea of TMOYD™.
No-one, possibly not even TMOYD, will be able to live up to this idea. Ideas are much better than actual persons. After all, they can’t break your heart. Ideas are more fun than actual guys because you have complete control of them. They are perfection itself and will never disappoint you. Ideas require no more effort from you or tell you why you are flat-out wrong about that make of car or the nature of the universe. And ideas never, ever flirt with other females in the vicinity (or online) so you always know that your idea is exclusively yours, and your self-esteem will thank you.
Ideas of TMOYDs are seductive and addictive, imprinting themselves on your brain and subconscious instead of relying on chemical reactions to keep your interest. And, so your idea of TMOYD will stay for you for a lifetime if you let it. A nice change from all those guys who break your heart and run away just when things are looking promising. Because your Idea of TMOYD never breaks promises either. What else could a girl need to feel emotionally safe in a relationship?
Taking dating and flirting advice to heart.
It’s vital to be up-to-date on all the latest trends and rules on dating and flirting. Failure to do so will single you out as the individual TMOYD is looking for. Thus, it is vital to behave exactly the way everyone else does, and to follow the exact rules as everyone else does, to avoid this appalling situation and to blend in inconspicuously. After all, the last thing you want is to appear individual or to stand out in the crowd. That will definitely draw his unwanted attention.
Besides, detecting momentary dilation of pupils, momentary flaring of nostrils, momentary shrugs, miniscule eyebrow movement and whether or not Mr Penguin-Toes’s foot is indeed pointing towards you – ALL WHILE ATTEMPTING TO APPEAR NOT TO STALK HIM – will prepare you for your new career as a behaviourial scientist or hush-hush operative. So kudos to you. At least you’ll have a lot more money soon.
Stay in your comfort-zone.
Leaving your comfort-zone puts you in the dangerous position of being open to new things and ideas – and, most distressingly, new people. This exponentially increases the likelihood that you may have the unfortunate experience of running into TMOYD when you least expect it.
Staying in your comfort-zone produces more of the same ol’, same ol’ so there is no chance of you suddenly discovering that TMOYD was in your proximity all along. The same routines with the same cast of characters provide the comfort and stability for you to keep yourself in the stasis that you need to maintain your Idea of TMOYD perfectly and indefinitely. You can rest safely in the knowledge that TMOYD will never recognise you even if he did run into you accidently because he will only ever observe one of two aspects of you, and so, could never get to know the real you at all. And why would you want him to? In fact, it’s the last thing you’d want, and this should be avoided where-ever possible.
Judicious application of Steps 2 to 4 along with religious application of Step 1 will ensure that you will have absolutely no chance of meeting TMOYD. If, for some incredible reason these steps should fail you, there are nine more steps you could apply, but we can’t go into them here. My advice to you would be to persistently apply these four steps, using them as a shield, whenever you feel in danger of meeting TMOYD.
If all else fails…
If all else fails, and you find yourself in an the situation where there is the evolving danger of you being unable to ignore a possible TMOYD candidate, you might want to try the following as a bandaid to the situation:
- Listen to his enemies and resolve to believe everything they say about him (even if there is no evidence to support their view of him.
- Listen to I-am-not-in-love songs (see list below)
- Introduce him to someone who you know is exactly his type.
- Ignore you intuition.
- Go on a holiday and see how many other guys out there are much closer to your Idea of the perfect TMOYD.
- Write a story about your possible TMOYD where he is the villain (unless you fall your bad boys, then make him the hero).
- Stay out of his proximity – ie. run away or cross the street whenever there is the merest chance of you bumping into him, avoid your common hangouts, stay at home and lock the door.
In the unlikely event of the If-All-Else-Fails failing, you have two options:
You may contact me so that we may brainstorm a solution to your persisting possible TMOYD problem
You could just go out with him and concentrate exclusively on all his negative points. The more negatives you gather on him, the less attractive he will be to you and so fall off your TMOYD radar.
If this too fails, you still have two more options:
Bring up the date of your wedding; whereupon he may breathe a sigh of relief (and you will have to adapt to being Mrs TMOYD) or he will run away faster than the Roadrunner (problem solved).
Alternatively, you could hijack all his social media and email contacts and tell them all about him, including how his wearing his sister’s bunny rabbit slippers is just the cutest!
These are songs that make you feel happy; songs which resonate within yourself; songs which have nothing to do with being in love, falling in love, or getting over your ex. These are mine. Feel free to add your own.
Lovers of Light – Afrocelt
Human Behaviour – Bjork
Legend of A Cowgirl – Imani Coppola
Lullaby – Deep Forest
Firework – Katy Perry
Top of the World – Imagine Dragons
Beautiful People – Chris Brown
Airstream Driver – Gomez
I Just Wanna Live – Good Charlotte
Suddenly I see – KT Tunstall
The Bare Necessities – Phil Harris, Bruce Reitherman
It’s a Fine Day – Miss Jane
Dumb Things – Paul Kelly
History Repeating – The Propellerheads
Allstar – Smashmouth
Cleopatra’s Favourite Cat – Spin Doctors
Little Fluffy Clouds – The Orb
Best Day of My Life – American Authors
Shake It Off – Taylor Swift
Bubblegum on my boots – Sprinkbok Nude Girls
Dog Days are Over – Florence and the Machine
Stupid Girls – Pink
Rock Lobster – The B52’s
Corner of the Earth – Jamiroquai