With the launch of my revised version of How Not To Meet The Man of Your Dreams, people have been asking once more: Why a How Not To Meet TMOYD when everyone actually wants to meet him?
So instead of repeating myself ad nauseam, I thought it best to tell all now.
About three and a half years ago, I started writing a self-help book as a fun exercise. For a couple of years before, I had listened to, and read a lot of material about how to meet the man of your dreams or soulmate.
Most of the advice fell into two categories for me: ridiculous and it-may-just-possibly-work. The problem was that I was working in China and so couldn’t quite test out all of the advice just then. But I did think a lot about it. In doing so, I saw more pitfalls and outright disasters (physical, financial, mental and emotional) resulting from following most of the advice for me personally.
So while the approaches advised by all these dating coaches and relationship gurus have undoubtedly worked for some (if not many), I knew that they would not work for me.
My personality and personal beliefs shuddered at most of the advice given to women. I bristled at the tone taken by the experts when talking to other woman (and men) who dared ask the very questions I wanted answered, and who insisted on being individual and true to themselves.
The thing I kept hearing and reading was: you can’t find your match unless you turn yourself into someone whom your perfect match wants you to be. I don’t know about you, but I reckon that anyone who ends up dating you just because you’ve twisted yourself into someone you are not, can’t be (at least by my definition) perfect for you — because ‘you’ are not really you on these dates. No, you are someone else’s idea of who, what and how ‘you’ should be, which is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid all these years. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck into some mold someone else has determined for me. If I wanted molds (or mould) in my life, I think I should be the only one who decides what that should look like. It’s a high price to pay, but you get what you pay for in this life.
And so, for fun, and then increasingly inspired by cups of chai latte and a sense that this was what I needed in my life; that this was the guide which would help me the most; I sat deep in thought and sugar and came up with this guide. You see, I realised that there not many explaining the flip side of the meet-your-soulmate theories, and that some of us learn better from understanding why something shouldn’t be done. Strangely, this guide was also perfect for those of us who had chosen to stop looking for someone. I kept meeting people who said that they had stopped looking for a life partner. And what do you know? More than half of them now have a ring on their finger and a mortgage together. This without following any dating expert’s advice on how to dress, or flirt, or what to say and do in social situations.
It’s not that I think all dating experts are useless at finding your perfect match romantically. I’m just saying that a fair amount of them are, and I could be one of them 😀
‘Cos what it all comes down to, is that it’s all just someone’s opinion.
But there are a precious few experts whom I respect and whose advice I still follow. I can’t say that any of it has actually worked for me. None of it helped me find my soulmate or TMOYD, but some of it did make me feel better as a person. And a lot of their particular advice helped me to understand men (and other women), how to be in relationships and how to create the kind of relationship that I had once hoped to have. All very useful to a writer of primarily women’s fiction.
These experts are:
Arielle Ford with her Soulmate Secret and other material. She just has so much enthusiasm and belief that we all will eventually find our soulmate partners. Her feelingizations are just wonderful and her summits (usually free to listen in the first 24 hours) are very interesting, insightful and with excellent guests. She’s also one of the few people who actually responded to email queries and feedback– unusual in this day and age where most experts respond only to facebook and twitter communication (if they respond at all); lines which were not available to me in China.
Amy Ahlers and Christine Arylo with their Inner Mean Girl and related programmes. Their understanding of modern women and our hidden saboteurs are just excellent.
John Gray, he of the Mars and Venus fame and not everyone’s cup of tea. Of all the male experts, he seems the most coherent in recent years with some real gems to impart.
Alison Armstrong has got to be one of my favourites to listen to. She’s just got such a sense of humor and practicality. I could listen to her for hours!
While I don’t agree with all that my favourite experts believe and impart, for the most part, they make sense to me. What I like most about them, is they don’t constantly hit me on the head with the message that I need to mold myself into someone I am not. And so, I allowed myself to be influenced by their views.
I am nowhere in their league, of course. But I do believe that my book has a place in the self-help/dating/relationship shelf. We all have stories that do. And this is my 10-Step story of how I didn’t get to meet my soulmate, and why I wouldn’t have been helped by all those other dating/relationship experts out there anyway. To me, that’s just as valuable an insight.
So, I would love to hear about your similar experiences, especially from those who have chosen to pay the highest price for being themselves in the search for TMOYD or his female equivalent.
How Not To Meet The Man Of Your Dreams Revised is now on Pre-order at Smashwords!
How Not To Meet The Man of Your Dreams Revised out on 9 February 2015.
Regular price: $2.99
About the book:
A short humorous guide for singletons with a simple 10 step program.
For all singletons actively looking to avoid their dream man, and for those who are seeking but learn better through being told what not to do, this handy guide will prove invaluable. Utilising both common-sense and hard-worn experience, this guide will change your perspective in one quick, easy read.
For the first 4 Steps and the introduction, read my first blog about it, which got me started on the whole revised version, here.